….continued from last week
Chapter 4
Destitution
I am not going to dwell much on how I suspect I got my HIV+ status having spent much of my time from late 1985 to mid 2000 being just a suspect , when I finally got tested for sure and was diagonised HIV+ for real.
Truth is when I was fired from my job at the Collector of Taxes I was still a bachelor and soon fell into destitution after I had spent my final month’s salary and the little that came as my terminal benefits on beer and women .
My girlfriend whom I had loved so much and who had loved me so much too had gotten fed up with my persistent requests for money for beer and cigarettes and had rejected me after enduring my terrible behaviour for many months .Thereafter I was ejected from my lodgings in Ivene surbub for none payment of rentals and being a nuisance .
There are times when life becomes so painful, hopeless and meaningless that if one is not strong enough mentally one can either go berserk or commit suicide in order to escape from the rigours of life.
I sometimes suspect that those destitute guys we see roaming the streets are not mad but are just acting mad so as to justify their unconventional behaviours of feeding from rubbish bins and sleeping in the open .During such times one loses all friends and even very close relatives no longer want to have anything to do with you as you are now an eye sow.
I almost got to that stage where after going for a couple of days without a proper bath and food I was on the brink of acting mad to justify eating from a rubbish bin where I had seen somebody throwing some left overs from a restaurant.
Very soon I had become a man of no fixed aboard as I moved from one friend’s house to another friend’s house spending one or a couple of nights here or there until such time nobody wanted to have anything to do with me .In the process of moving from place to place I lost not only all my belongings but also all my friends in and around Gweru.
The only possessions I kept tightly to myself were my educational and professional certificates I had a small and slim leather flat bag which I never left wherever I was .
Time came when I could nolonger afford to remain in Gweru for a day longer due to its harsh Winters I was forced to leave after enduring three nights in the open .I had to steal money though from an unsuspecting relative who had assigned me to go to the municipal offices to pay his monthly house rentals .The money that he had left was just enough to pay my bus fare to my rural home in Gokwe.
My mother was shocked to see me in my current state of destitution and she literally wept when I arrived home .The last time I had visited home I had been so healthy and I had brought home many goodies for her and my siblings and this had made her feel so proud of me but now this home coming was such an embarrassment to her and she could not hide her disappointment.
I quickly narrated my present situation to her in a very honest manner though leaving out the most painful incidences throughout my narration.
My mother took every detail bravely and assured me that it was the work of our jealousy neighbours and my ancestors who had caused me these misfortunes and she would brew beer to appease my ancestors who in turn would protect me from our neighbours evil machinations.
I didn’t take my mother’s beliefs seriously as I knew very well that I was responsible for all the misfortunes that had befallen me and all that I needed was to change my behaviour and be a responsible honest person .Many people want to blame others whenever something goes wrong when it is their fault. I have always wanted to look truth in the face and where I am to blame I have always blamed myself.
Meanwhile I still believed that I was HIV+ and continued to act recklessly going for rural beer parties sleeping with rural women some much older than myself and in some instances almost got beaten up by either their boyfriends or husbands. There was this incident where I almost lost my manhood after being caught with someone’s wife.
The crowd had to beg the angry husband to have mercy and stop. There I was cringing with fear under the angry husband’s angry gaze his grubby left hand wielding a very sharp knife and the other holding my manhood with me there waiting to feel the knife slicing off my instrument of mischief.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the crown holding the man now at a distance, anywhere that’ll be a story for another day.
Meanwhile at home in the rural areas money was not a big problem as life was relatively cheap here and my generous mother would give me some or in some instances I would steal a hen or goat and sell it without my mother’s knowledge.
I finally got fed up with rural life and soon decided to go to town to look for work and start my life all over again .I informed my mother about my decision to go and look for work again.
My mother was very much impressed by my decision but she told me that we had to brew some beer to appease my ancestors so that they would clear my path.
My uncle was summoned and told about my intention to go and look for work and the need to brew beer for our ancestors so that my path would be cleared, my uncle who also loved beer so much did not object.
Soon the beer was brewed and all the rituals were done and the way was now clear for me to go to work.
My mother had put together enough money for my bus fare to town and this time I had decided to go to Mutare where my nephew worked and soon enough I was in Mutare to try and salvage my life once again.
Piason Maringwa is a teacher at Batanai High School near Manoti in Gokwe South District.
He has been living with HIV for more than 30 years and has been talking about his HIV+ status since 2004.